OFC

Jim Beckram

A physically strong striker who is currently this season's top scorer this season with 11 goals. Jim Beckram comes with good pedigree, having played for Elmbridge District and later Walton Casuals. Jim is the captain of club and can often be found leading the team on and off the pitch. Jim has two women in his life, the lovely Marianne and his Belgian mistress, Stella. Arguably, he is the most infuriating player to play against, as he is known for persistent bating, fouling and winding up of the opposition players. If you want to find Jim, look in the fine wine section of the supermarket or off licence, under the table of Saffron curry house or down at the local conservative club.

Position	Striker
Date of Birth	3rd February 1979
Alias	Jimbo, Gonzo, Boysee
Previous Teams	Brooklands, Molesey, Walton Casuals
Drink of Choice	Stella
Supports	Chelsea
Most Likely to Say	"you lucky cow!"

Tell us a bit about yourself James...

I resurrected my football career with OFC after a few stagnant years being at University where I consumed and enjoyed too much of what one should aspire not to.

I am glad this season I have returned to my preferred role, namely striker. This is where I became famous in the Brooklands and Molesey days for my eye for goal and blistering pace.

My favourite moment of my career was scoring a hat-trick against Manchester United School of Excellence playing for Elmbridge District. I don't think the Carrington training ground has seen anything like it since.

Recently turned 26 and a keen watcher and player of football. I live in Walton on Thames (yes, that's Walton and definitely not Molesey!) Among my enjoyment are being a member of the prestigious "Sunday Club." The Sunday Club meets once or twice a month in order to consume copious amounts roasted animal, vegetables and spuds; washed down with fine wines and a cheese board.

I'm a big believer in extravagance, but of late I have had to pay for this in a rather painful way. I look forward to the day of new ways in which to treat this.

PLEASE TELL US ONE FASCINATING FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW?

OFC will definitely not get relegated this year!

If you were a super hero what would be your name and what would be your powers?

THE EDUCATOR.

I would have the power to educate and enlighten the great unwashed within our society; I would show these people the light in terms of how much of lying, cheating, and two faced creep Tony Blair is!

Who is your footballing idol and why?

It's gotta be Zinedene Zidane, he's the best balanced player with an amazing first touch. Even in his mid thirties he still has the ability to cruise past younger players. True class!

If you could change 3 things in society what would they be?

Firstly I'd tackle the issue of immigration by banning it. We are seen as a soft touch and all the non essentials coming in to the country are simply taking the piss!

Next up would be to ban Alistair Campbell from breathing, the fewer cretins like that wasting our oxygen the better.

All barmaids must be aged between 18 and 30 and not be larger than a size 10.

If we went back to Beckram towers and opened your CD player, what would we find?

Wu Tang Clan, 36 Chambers. Sorry, bit of a stickler for only listening to music I bought as a teenager. It's a bit sad; come to think of it I think I'm turning into my dad!

Greatest moment in an OFC shirt?

Coming off the bench against Guildford Railway Old Boys to score a hatrick and for the team to end up winning 6-5 after being 5-1 down at half time.

Your ideal woman? (Not the significant other)

Well Marianne of course! However, she does appreciate that she would have to play second fiddle to Kylie if both were on offer, if only for the fantastic pert arse that simply cannot be surpassed. I would love to tell Kylie how fortunate she was for being with me. You lucky lucky cow!